i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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