what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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