Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
