I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
