Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
