Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
