I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
