I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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