I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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