the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There's always time for handjobs
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize