Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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