Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
