What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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