i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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