I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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