My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
