last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
