I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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