My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
