you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
