So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
