does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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