Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
