I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
