I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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