she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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