there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
