I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
