Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
