1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
