im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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