fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
