found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
