The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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