Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
