I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
