Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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