I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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