God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
