I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
