She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
