Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
