New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
