you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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