I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i now understand why vodka
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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