Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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