Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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