You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
