Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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