Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
