Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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