Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
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That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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