I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
