He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
