so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
