i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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