I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
