we made out on top of his cat.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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