I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize