What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
