Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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