The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
