have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
