when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
