I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
